I’m one of those crazy people who enjoys listening to Christmas music in July. I’ve been known to light up an evergreen scented candle in the middle of summer. To me, Christmas evokes feelings of home. Peace. A feeling of being settled where I’m at and not necessarily geographically. I have no negative memories connected to Christmas – the season – and therefore, Christmas has become this untainted, precious time, place, feeling; well, you get the idea. In case it’s still unclear, watch this:
If it’s not clear after watching that clip, well, you’re just one of those who isn’t going to get it and that’s okay.
Anyway, this past year has been interesting and I’ve been looking extra forward to the holidays. To say this past year has been one of change is an understatement on the level of saying the Titanic hit an ice cube. Life has long felt unsettled for me. Not bad whatsoever, just unsettled. Like I’ve been waiting for something and had no idea what.
Last fall the peace and clarity that I knew would eventually come, started to slowly manifest itself. It was murky at first but with patience and hard work, something beautiful unfolded. This what was beautiful was not without hurt and subsequent damage. Those of us involved will still be working through the remnants of these changes for years to come, especially the kids. (Without going into too much detail, think children of divorce. Even in the most unhealthy of marriages, kids can feel a ‘normal-to-them’ consistency that is reassuring. Sometimes they don’t even know their parents’ marriage is unhealthy -- think of having the rug pulled out from under you.) We have been lucky. Our kids have all been very brave and have acted mature and responsible in the face of these huge changes.
After the year that we had, I think Ted sensed my deep desire to get Christmas started extra early and gave me the go ahead to start decorating last weekend. So I started. And by started I mean started and finished in a few hours. He asked me to refrain from playing Christmas music for a few more weeks but then played Christmas carols on the guitar for us last weekend while we sang along. When we ran out of Kleenex last week he picked up four boxes with the holiday designs. When I gently reminded him that we talked about purchasing a fireplace to add to the holiday spirit he said I could order it right away. So although he might not be into Christmas quite like I am, I sense that he gets how it’s all related. The year, the changes, feeling settled for the first time in a long time, a new peace, working on blending families, and the strong desire to finish out the year nourishing our souls with peaceful family time.
Peace is defined many ways: freedom from disturbance or conflict, harmony with your surroundings, quiet tranquility, mental health, the absence of stress or anxiety. The new peace that I have found this year will be celebrated throughout the holiday season. I’m not skipping Thanksgiving -- trust me, I’m thankful. Thanksgiving, to me, is included in The Holidays.
But it’s the Christmas season that will allow me to focus on where I’ve come this year. Where we’ve come as a family. The work we still have to do. There's a peace that comes not from having accomplished everything, but from knowing where the new work lies and having the emotional space to attend to it. There's a peace that comes from the patience of knowing these things take time.
Have I done everything right? No. Are there things I should have/could have done better, differently? Yes. How can I be a better wife, friend, mother, daughter, and human being? What am I doing to leave a positive mark on my community?
No matter how beautiful our Christmas decorations are or how much holiday spirit I pump into this apartment, I doubt I’ll have all the answers to my year-end reflections. But I’ll keep asking. I’ll keep looking for ways to find a more peaceful existence. And sometimes, the process creates all the peace I need.
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