Back-to-School - Another "First"

Back to school preparation can be exhausting. There are so many things to tend to, plan for, and remember to do -- especially when your kids are starting a new school district! I'm lucky that I have three co-parents to help plan and make arrangements.  Trish is especially helpful with scheduling and planning in a thorough way that I am not able to be. She keeps us all on track and it's much appreciated.

The last few back to school discussions and emails between the two of us have made it abundantly clear that we are prepping to send two kids back to school, not three. In prior years we had to move heaven and earth to figure out who would be home to put Willy on the bus and who would get him off the bus.  Our schedules revolved around Willy and his needs. 

This year our back to school planning has been what most would call "normal". Buying clothes and school supplies and getting haircuts.  Wait. There's no bus staff to train how to suction and seizure watch? I don't have to drive a van load of supplies to Willy's school? I don't have to have the neurologist fill out a ream of paperwork? 

No. Our back to school planning this year has been much simpler. It feels weird. It feels like there's something missing. Or, more appropriately, someone. Willy. 

I love seeing the back to school photos of all the kids. But each one is a reminder that we have one less kid to get ready this year. It's another "first" to get over. 

I'm not looking forward to the one-year anniversary of Willy's passing on November 5th. But in a way, I am.  Only in the sense that there will be no more firsts to get over. I really need the "firsts" to be over. 

Saline Hornets! Round 2!

Our move to Saline is June 1.  On one hand I'm still a bit sad to leave Ann Arbor.  Even though Saline is only 15 minutes away it's not the same.  But as we've learned, life changes and you have to roll with it. The moving van is lined up, the utilities have been switched over, and today Todd and I took Grant and Gabby to tour their new schools.

Saline is a very different city than when I moved away. I have yet to decide if it's better or not. It's bigger -- that's for sure! What was the high school (where I went) is now the middle school. The new high school is this very large and fancy brick and glass building that is quite impressive. All the old elementary schools are closed and new ones have been built.  I went in today not knowing what to expect.

I.Was.Amazed.

We stopped at Heritage Elementary first.  Heritage houses all of Saline's 4th and 5th graders. The principal gave us the tour and introduced us to many teachers and staff members. Those who we met were very engaging and pulled Gabby right in.  The school itself is quite neat and has more of a middle school than elementary feel. Everyone assured us Gabby would fit right in.  We left her there for the afternoon so she could shadow the 4th grade class. (Side note: Trish had already arranged a play date for Gabby with her co-worker's daughter, Sofia.  Sofia was in the 4th grade class that Gabby shadowed today so she already has a friend there!)  In one of the classes we visited, Trish's nephew, Owen, saw Gabby and ran up to greet her with some friends.  It felt very welcoming and Gabby had big smiles.

After we left Gabby at Heritage, we drove over to the high school with Grant.  Can I just say wow!  I mean, a building doesn't necessarily indicate how good the academics are but I think Saline High School kills it on both accounts!  We met with Grant's counselor who gave us a tour and helped us start to arrange a class schedule for the fall.  We also stopped into the athletic office and got Grant started with the cross country application process.

Todd got so excited he even stopped into the school store and bought some Saline gear.

I have good memories from when I lived in Saline.  I was worried about the kids switching schools. I'm not saying it will be a perfect transition but after today I feel much better.  I'm really just a mom who wants her kids to be happy and not anxious.  I want them to enjoy school and feel safe and secure in all that they do and are.

I appreciate Ted, Todd, and Trish and our continued pact to raise the kids together.  It's been going really well lately and I think we all have a pretty bright future as a family. All the changes over the past three years are behind us. Although we will never forget our Willy and the grief is still raw, this move is our chance at a fresh start.

Oh, and a special shout out to Grant.  He made the decision to switch to Saline on his own.  We were not going to make him.  Todd and I both told him today that he was very brave to make that decision and that we were proud of him.

Please keep us in your thoughts as we embark on this new journey.

Saline or Bust? But what about Ann Arbor?

This is long and please bear with me. Sometimes I blog more to work my thoughts out than for the reader.

In the early days of our relationship, before Todd and I bought our house in Jackson, we rented an apartment in Ann Arbor.  I had been living in Ann Arbor for quite some time and loved it.  It's a fantastic college town, complete with all the chaos and fun that goes along with the academic machine. It's bright and vibrant and upwardly mobile. To me, there's always been a feeling of forward momentum in Ann Arbor.  Things are moving. The economy is flush. People come here from all over the world to learn.  I love the sites and sounds of other cultures and languages. Ever since my mother moved us there when I was 12 I was in love with it. 

But I was newly married and I wanted a house. Picket fence and all that...

However, our goal was always to try to sell the house and get back to Ann Arbor.  Then the economy tanked. Long story short, in 2013 Todd and I both landed jobs at the University of Michigan.  We finally had enough income to move back to Ann Arbor.  The VA short sold our house which helped and we found a beautiful rental in one of the best neighborhoods in Ann Arbor.  (For $650 more per month than our mortgage was I might add!)

The new house didn't have the mold problems our old house did and between that and putting Willy on hospice services, he thrived. Ann Arbor was a good move. We worked hard and got our family back to a healthier (in more ways than one) city. It was a good city to raise our kids in.  It was what I wanted for them. 

Then life happens. Todd and I got divorced and stayed in Ann Arbor in apartments next door to each other.  We had a firm commitment to be a "clan" together and raise the kids as a family even though we divorced. It's hard work and we don't always agree but we did it and are doing it.

Willy was one of the main reasons we wanted to make sure we lived geographically close. Along with Willy came a lot of supplies. Transferring him back and forth was complicated.  After he passed, Todd bought a house in Saline. We knew this 15 minute distance wouldn't hurt us and would be more possible since Willy was gone. (Yes, I hate writing that.) 

Although I have no desire to own a house - I've owned two and neither turned out to be the wonderful thing society tells you it is - I was happy for Todd.  He and Trish will have a good life there as will the kids. But this did leave Ted and I wondering what we should do. I certainly didn't want to stay in the apartments forever.  There are some issues with apartment living that I wasn't comfortable with and even though I love our particular place, the complex itself is becoming less than desirable at almost $1400 a month. It's just not worth that anymore to live in Ann Arbor. Renting a house could be anywhere from $2000 on up. I just don't love Ann Arbor THAT much. To me, it's irresponsible spending. 

I always said I didn't want to move back to Saline. I don't know if that's the teenager in me who couldn't wait to move OUT of Saline when I went to college the first time or what. I was adamant that we stayed in Ann Arbor. 

Sometimes you just have to admit you're licked. 

Ted and I found a beautiful, old, charming duplex right downtown Saline. I can see the house we lived in through the trees.  It's comfortable. It's charming. I have friends there. Saline schools are just as good, if not better than Ann Arbor's.  (They're both fantastic, there's no downside here.)

Henry Street, right downtown Saline, left side duplex

I did not want to move the kids from their schools. They are both doing well and Ann Arbor schools have been a stable situation for them.

But when making big picture decisions you have to consider the whole. Living in Saline, three miles from Todd and Trish, in my hometown - or at least what I consider my hometown - with a beautiful rental that is much less than our Ann Arbor apartment, is the best decision for us. 

We will be better able to continue on the path of raising the kids together, the four of us, making them feel confident, loved, and taken care of by four adults who love them very much. Divorce and remarriage is tricky when there are kids involved.  Can it be done in a healthy way? Can you show that although you love their father, it was not a healthy marriage? But that we can be really good friends and commit to each other to get along and work things out and take care of them? 

Yes. Absolutely. That is our commitment. This move to Saline is, in large part, because of the commitment that we made.  I'm thankful for my little clan. I'm especially thankful for Trish who is a wonderful second mom.  We are very different people and don't always agree but she takes care of the kids and I don't worry about them when they are there. 

I always think I should have a take away when I write a blog post. I don't know what the take away here should be except that I needed to work out on paper the thoughts in my head about this move. 

If no one except me gets anything out of this blog post then I've done okay. 

I really just love my kids and want to make a good life for them. That's it. 

Grief Group Day

I attended my first "grief group" last Sunday. Can I just start out by saying I hate that term? Grief Group? I wish there were another name for it. I mean, sure, I can call it my Compassionate Friends group which is the actual name but what is it? It's a grief group.  It's a group to deal with grief. Grief Group. Meh. Weird combination of words.

Anyway, I was so nervous.  I had some time to waste so I went to get a coffee at the Whole Foods Cafe. I walked in and the first thing I saw was beer taps. OMG. They have a bar at Whole Foods. Who knew?  I didn't know this. Of course, I don't normally shop at Whole Foods.  I booted the coffee idea and instead opted for a Lager of the Lakes pint.  I figure it was legit.  You know, having a beer before my first grief group. It ended up being a good call.  It took the edge off.

The group met at the First Presbyterian Church downtown Ann Arbor.  It's a beautiful church and there was an orchestra group practicing.  I was early so I sat a bit and watched and listened.  It felt odd to be in a church pew.  I haven't been in a church in a while. In 2014 I went to mass a few times but I don't think I made it once in 2015. By choice. (Which is another blog post for a later date.) Anyway, it was comfortable.  I didn't have the church anxiety I thought I would have.  Then again, I had beer in my stomach.

Finally it was time to go up to the room the meeting was held in.  There were a few people already there and a few more ended up coming after me. Everything we talk about is confidential so while I can't share specifics, I can say it was a very diverse group.  There were people whose children died years ago.  There was another man whose daughter died one week after my Willy died.  I later found out her birthday is close to Willy's as well so I think he will be one of my good friends in the group.

What struck me is how many ways the children had died.  I'm used to living in a world where children have terminal illnesses and, to large extent, you know they will die at some point. It is kind of normal for me in the circles I move around in.  But as we went around the table telling our stories, I realized there was much more to the loss of a child than a terminal illness.  Some died in house fires. Some in car accidents. There were a couple others who had children with cancer.  There was an overdose.  All ages too.  Adult children, infant children, and everything in between.  And THIS was the reason I wanted a grief group that was all about parents losing children.  There is something different about a parent losing a child.  Different than losing a parent or a grandparent.

I don't mean to downplay the grief that comes from losing a parent or grandparent or other loved one. Please don't misunderstand.  But everything I've read about losing a child indicates there's a nuance that can't quite be described. We know it's against the natural order of things to lose a child. As a parent, your job is to protect your children, keep them safe. When you lose a child, you weren't able to do that.  (By no fault of your own.) You think of all the birthdays. You wonder what they would have become had they lived. You think about what they missed. They didn't have a chance at life like adults do.  Therein lies part of the nuance.

Willy had the cognition of about a 4-year old.  Face it. He wouldn't have grown up and got married. But he would have been my baby. My very large baby.  I would have taken care of him no matter how big he got. It didn't matter to me that he couldn't walk or talk.  I grieved that a long time ago. He was cuddly and sweet. And he didn't sass.

Truth is, as I wrote in a prior blog post, I thought I had already grieved him when he was diagnosed. I thought that the grief when he died would be mitigated. I was very wrong and that is a large part of what has hurt about this process.  I explained this to my group and they gave some very good advice that has helped.  I have a lot to learn about grief and I think the group will help me with that. And to be honest, it was refreshing to be with a group of people who didn't have terminal children. Anytime I can step away from my normal world and get a new perspective is welcomed.

Some people cried, some laughed, there were some jokes told that only bereaved parents could understand, and promises to get in touch with someone if grief became unbearable. Reach out.

After the group was over, I went and sat with my Great Aunt Madeline for a few hours.  She's on hospice at a nearby retirement community.  I've been close with her for a long time -- since we moved to Ann Arbor when I was 12. So although she's 99 years old and had a good life, it's still sad. Watching her struggle for words all while knowing she is nearing the end of her days here is tough. We had a good talk. I helped her change into her pajamas, gave her a foot rub, and got her some toast.  It felt good to be a caretaker again.

After I left Aunt Madeline's, I realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast.  And this was about 8:00 at night.  I drove straight to Little Ceasars, bought a Hot 'n Now pizza and some cheesy breadsticks and ate.  A lot. Took a bath and went to bed. I was completely emotionally drained.  But it felt good.

We all die. Whether you're an 11-year old boy who dies of a terminal brain disorder and complications thereof, or a 99-year old great grandma.  There's a grief process that is different for everyone in every situation.  I'm still figuring mine out.  But my new group will definitely be part of it.

Link to Compassionate Friends:
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Find_Support/Chapters/Chapter_Locator.aspx

Link to the Ann Arbor chapter of Compassionate Friends:
http://tcfannarbormich.org/

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times

Stealing from one of my favorite authors, Charles Dickens, this last week has been the best of times and the worst of times. Of course it's not the French Revolution and I'm not living in London or Paris but I can't stop repeating this line over and over in my mind.

It was a tough week.  I didn't score as well on the GMAT as I wanted to.  Granted, I did not study at all. So, considering, I got a pretty good score.  But being a pseudo-perfectionist and someone who is very hard on herself, I freaked. To make a long story short, I'll just retake it, hopefully get a better score, and be a little smarter too!

The funk I've been in this week isn't really about the GMAT though. It's all tied to grief. I keep thinking that if I pack my plate full and stay away from triggers, I won't feel that awful dark feeling anymore. Oh I know there will be moments of sad but not that horrible, gut-wrenching feeling of despair when you realize you'll never hold your child again.

I know this isn't how grief works. However, my brain, heart, mind, and soul are kind of arguing over how to process life post-Willy.  I have to tell you, it's hard. Some days are very, very good.  I have a wonderful group of co-workers, an awesome boss, and work that I find very interesting.  I have a super supportive husband, lots of friends, and awesome kiddos. We're not rich but we have enough.  Things are good. (In case you aren't quite following along, this is the "best" of times.)

But none of that matters when you are grieving. There is no rational by which you can gauge how you're doing in the grief process.  I keep trying to figure out what I need to do with my life post-Willy.  Before, he took up a large part of our day.  Between feedings, pills, cleaning and organizing his room, and just loving on him, he was time consuming.  A wonderful time consume, but still a time consume. So now I think "What are you going to do with all your available time? Huh? You sat for 15 minutes. Do you know what you could have done in that time?"  Etc. It's hard for me to just BE.  I feel like a bunch of cells just bouncing off of each other trying to figure out what to do next. Take up a cause? March in Lansing? Stump for Bernie? Get another degree? (Oh wait, I'm doing that one.) Spend more time with the kids? Clean out the trunk? Good Lord I even thought of adopting another special needs child. (Ted ruled that out and it was the right decision for all of us.)

RELAX, Dawn.

The one thing I've always been good at is determining what's wrong in my life and trying to fix it. Sometimes my fixes have worked and sometimes they just created more problems. But I recognized there were things I could fix so I made a list.

1. Slow down on the MBA.  I feel hurried and I'm making mistakes in my coursework. It's not fun. Take a few more prerequisites than what I need. Lay a stronger foundation so when the super hard classes start I'll be ready. 
2. Read for fun again. This has worked out nicely.  I've read some good books lately.  I'm currently rereading The Scarlett Letter.  Ted is going to bring me Out of Africa home tonight. 
3. Meditate.  Right now I'm not doing it as much as I want. So I will make an effort to do it more. It does help and I love it. And I have like 5 meditation apps so it couldn't be any handier. 
4. Spend time with the kids.  Gabby and I have been enjoying tea together lately. We've even gone to the Tea Haus downtown a few times and just spent time together.  Sometimes in the evening we sit on my bed together and just hang. Grant wants me to learn a language with him on this DuoLingo app.  He bugs the crap out of me when I didn't do my daily lesson.  I already know Spanish and I really don't want to learn German but he wants me to and it's something we can bond together on.  And it's hard to find something to bond with your 14-year old son on? Amiright??
5. Yoga. I started a yoga class at work a few weeks ago.  It's not pretty but I like how it makes me feel. 
6. I can think of more but that would defeat the purpose of slow down and just BE.  So for now, this is my list. 

My hospice grief counselor called yesterday for her routine check-in.  She kindly reminded me that Willy's birthday is coming up. (Gee, thanks.)  She asked if we had made any plans? (Nope.) She kind of (ironically enough) put me bank into the funk that I had worked hard to shred from the beginning of the week. I know it's coming and I have a feeling it will be tough. Do we go to the cemetery and have a little party? This is new territory, you know? 

I'm not really sure what the point of this blog post was except to remind myself there's no procedures for grief.  There will be good days and bad days.  Triggers will send you into a funk and sometimes, with no warning or trigger, the grief will just slap you across the face. It's not rational. You can't plan for it and you can't work around it. 

I'm doing it right. I'm doing it my way. I'm recognizing that I need to slow down and let the process do its thing. Sometimes I'm hard on myself for not feeling better all the time.  Then I have to remind myself that my child died in my arms a little over three months ago after an 11 year battle. So I need to give myself a break.  It's the worst of times right now.  With some good times mixed in. 

I was texting with Willy's hospice doctor a few nights ago, Dr. Pituch. I told him grief sucks.  His response was "yep."  With all the knowledge and experience and degrees he has, that's his response. Yep. 

So, yep, grief sucks. But life goes on.

This One's For You, Grant

When I first started blogging back in 2008 I was more interested in politics and social issues.  Don’t misunderstand – I’m still interested, but I do not wish to stir up debate with a blog post that I have no time or intention in participating in after the fact.  Life took our family on some interesting turns so my blog has morphed into more of something that helps me document and work through these turns. These posts help me work out the thoughts that are in my head.

That said, although the blog lately has been about Willy and our journey with his transition, this post is about Grant. He’s 14 and a freshman in high school here in Ann Arbor.  To say that he’s had an interesting life is an understatement.  When Willy had his first grand mal seizure on July 9, 2004, Todd was home alone with both boys.  Grant was there, saw the whole thing, had to ride along with Todd and Willy in the ambulance, and wait at the hospital until we could find someone to come get him.  He’s seen the good, the bad, the ugly.  I can’t even begin to describe what he’s seen and internalized. He learned how to get Willy off the bus, get him in and out of his wheelchair, feed him, give him his medicines, play with him, change his diaper, and properly position him. Seizures didn’t scare him and he knew how to look out for them and what to do.

The night Willy passed, Grant’s first words to me were something to the effect of, “Mom, he’s okay now.  He’s healthy now and his body works.”  The first few weeks after Willy died he was a huge source of comfort, often just patting me on the back and asking me how I was doing.  He’s a 14-year old guy. He’s irritating sometimes and we don’t always speak the same language. But man, I love that kid.

I called him a kid the other day and Ted said we should probably be calling him a guy now.  He’s not a kid anymore. And he's turning into a really neat guy. We went out on a mother/son outing last Friday night.  We went downtown Ann Arbor to a fancy dinner and then we perused a few shops.  We went to my favorite store, Crazy Wisdom, and he bought himself a neat set of Russian nesting dolls that he thought were cool. In fact, when he realized that they stacked and that there were four separate ones hidden inside, he literally squealed with delight and exclaimed, “What kind of wizadry is this?”  It was hilarious. I hadn’t seen him that animated in forever.

Grant with his newly found Russian nesting dolls

This past weekend, I made him answer these questions that were going around facebook.  Here are his answers:

Without ANY prompting, ask your kids these questions. Its a great way to see what they think. Copy and repost with your child's name and age.

Grant, Age 14

1. What is something I always say to you?

I love you.

2. What makes me happy?

When I get good grades.

3. What makes me sad? 

When I don't get good grades. Which usually doesn't happen.

4. How do I make you laugh?

You don't. Just kidding. You're silly and lighthearted.

5. What was I like as a child? 

I don't know what you were like as a child. Annoying.

6. How old am I?

45. (At least he got that one right.)

7. How tall am I?

5'7". (He gave me an extra half inch!!)

8. What is my favorite thing to do? 

Clean the house. 

(I gave him a look.)

Clean the bathroom?

9. What do I do when you're not around? 

I don't want to know.

10. What am I really good at? 

Cleaning. Numbers. Math.

11. What is something I'm not good at? 

Nothing. (With heavy sarcasm.)

12. What do I do for a job? 

You buy things and pay for things at U of M.

13. What is my favorite food? 

Everything.

14. What do you enjoy doing with me? 

When we go out on the town together.

I had to crack up at some of these but the first and the last warmed my heart.  He hears it when I tell him I love him and he enjoys going out on the town with me.  That’s a parenting win, right?

Grant has his first set of final exams this week.  He studied and filled out study guides.  I helped him go over them and quizzed him.  He seems ready but I can tell he’s nervous.  I feel like this week is a right of passage in a way. His first set of cumulative exams in high school!  

Next thing you know, he'll be asking for the car keys...