It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times

Stealing from one of my favorite authors, Charles Dickens, this last week has been the best of times and the worst of times. Of course it's not the French Revolution and I'm not living in London or Paris but I can't stop repeating this line over and over in my mind.

It was a tough week.  I didn't score as well on the GMAT as I wanted to.  Granted, I did not study at all. So, considering, I got a pretty good score.  But being a pseudo-perfectionist and someone who is very hard on herself, I freaked. To make a long story short, I'll just retake it, hopefully get a better score, and be a little smarter too!

The funk I've been in this week isn't really about the GMAT though. It's all tied to grief. I keep thinking that if I pack my plate full and stay away from triggers, I won't feel that awful dark feeling anymore. Oh I know there will be moments of sad but not that horrible, gut-wrenching feeling of despair when you realize you'll never hold your child again.

I know this isn't how grief works. However, my brain, heart, mind, and soul are kind of arguing over how to process life post-Willy.  I have to tell you, it's hard. Some days are very, very good.  I have a wonderful group of co-workers, an awesome boss, and work that I find very interesting.  I have a super supportive husband, lots of friends, and awesome kiddos. We're not rich but we have enough.  Things are good. (In case you aren't quite following along, this is the "best" of times.)

But none of that matters when you are grieving. There is no rational by which you can gauge how you're doing in the grief process.  I keep trying to figure out what I need to do with my life post-Willy.  Before, he took up a large part of our day.  Between feedings, pills, cleaning and organizing his room, and just loving on him, he was time consuming.  A wonderful time consume, but still a time consume. So now I think "What are you going to do with all your available time? Huh? You sat for 15 minutes. Do you know what you could have done in that time?"  Etc. It's hard for me to just BE.  I feel like a bunch of cells just bouncing off of each other trying to figure out what to do next. Take up a cause? March in Lansing? Stump for Bernie? Get another degree? (Oh wait, I'm doing that one.) Spend more time with the kids? Clean out the trunk? Good Lord I even thought of adopting another special needs child. (Ted ruled that out and it was the right decision for all of us.)

RELAX, Dawn.

The one thing I've always been good at is determining what's wrong in my life and trying to fix it. Sometimes my fixes have worked and sometimes they just created more problems. But I recognized there were things I could fix so I made a list.

1. Slow down on the MBA.  I feel hurried and I'm making mistakes in my coursework. It's not fun. Take a few more prerequisites than what I need. Lay a stronger foundation so when the super hard classes start I'll be ready. 
2. Read for fun again. This has worked out nicely.  I've read some good books lately.  I'm currently rereading The Scarlett Letter.  Ted is going to bring me Out of Africa home tonight. 
3. Meditate.  Right now I'm not doing it as much as I want. So I will make an effort to do it more. It does help and I love it. And I have like 5 meditation apps so it couldn't be any handier. 
4. Spend time with the kids.  Gabby and I have been enjoying tea together lately. We've even gone to the Tea Haus downtown a few times and just spent time together.  Sometimes in the evening we sit on my bed together and just hang. Grant wants me to learn a language with him on this DuoLingo app.  He bugs the crap out of me when I didn't do my daily lesson.  I already know Spanish and I really don't want to learn German but he wants me to and it's something we can bond together on.  And it's hard to find something to bond with your 14-year old son on? Amiright??
5. Yoga. I started a yoga class at work a few weeks ago.  It's not pretty but I like how it makes me feel. 
6. I can think of more but that would defeat the purpose of slow down and just BE.  So for now, this is my list. 

My hospice grief counselor called yesterday for her routine check-in.  She kindly reminded me that Willy's birthday is coming up. (Gee, thanks.)  She asked if we had made any plans? (Nope.) She kind of (ironically enough) put me bank into the funk that I had worked hard to shred from the beginning of the week. I know it's coming and I have a feeling it will be tough. Do we go to the cemetery and have a little party? This is new territory, you know? 

I'm not really sure what the point of this blog post was except to remind myself there's no procedures for grief.  There will be good days and bad days.  Triggers will send you into a funk and sometimes, with no warning or trigger, the grief will just slap you across the face. It's not rational. You can't plan for it and you can't work around it. 

I'm doing it right. I'm doing it my way. I'm recognizing that I need to slow down and let the process do its thing. Sometimes I'm hard on myself for not feeling better all the time.  Then I have to remind myself that my child died in my arms a little over three months ago after an 11 year battle. So I need to give myself a break.  It's the worst of times right now.  With some good times mixed in. 

I was texting with Willy's hospice doctor a few nights ago, Dr. Pituch. I told him grief sucks.  His response was "yep."  With all the knowledge and experience and degrees he has, that's his response. Yep. 

So, yep, grief sucks. But life goes on.