Dreams, Nightmares, and Transformation of Energy

I've had three dreams about Willy since he passed. I have very conflicted feelings about these dreams. On one hand, they've been so real that it's been nice to feel my lips on his fat little cheeks again.  You know, the kind of dream you never want to wake up from.

On the other hand, they've been nightmares.  Because I do eventually wake up.  These dreams have represented short, frenzied, and fraught versions of reliving his death all over again.  For a split second when I wake up everything is normal. Then I remember. Then the dream becomes a nightmare and the weirdest, most uncomfortable feeling sets in.

In two of the dreams nightmares, there were very significant neglect issues.  Somehow Willy needed something I wasn't getting to.  A feed, medicine, diaper....  There was this feeling that I "forgot" about him.  But then I fixed him up, and gave him a kiss and all was well again. One of the dreams was simply a good one where we were snuggling and he was cooing.

Last night I had the second of the nightmares. The only thing I really remember is that his teeth and face were crusty with drool. While there were many tasks related to Willy's care, keeping his teeth clean and his lips moisturized were two that were always on my radar.  His lips were always dry as sandpaper. He never closed his mouth and his entire mouth, lip, and teeth area were always a nightmare. I couldn't stand the thought that he was uncomfortable because he was dry.

In the more peaceful one where I was snuggling with him, I was sad when I woke up.  In the two that were more anxiety ridden, I was glad to wake up.  The thought that I had neglected him in some manner was almost worse to deal with than his death. I’m not looking for dream interpretation here. I know more will come and some will be happy and comforting and some will be full of anxiety and depression.  Like the dream where you show up in high school with no clothes on.  Dreams happen.  Good and bad.

The only thing I take from these dreams is the fact that I am connected to Willy on a different plane now.  He’s not here with me on our earthly plane. And sure, I have plenty of memories, pictures, and videos to remember him by.  But these dreams remind me of one of the basic laws of science – the Law of the Conservation of Energy.  To quote Albert Einstein, “Energy cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another.”  You know, like how a toaster turns electrical energy into thermal energy. I'm not trying to compare Willy to a toaster but I like examples of the ideas that run around in my brain and that was the first thing I came up with. 

Opinions on the afterlife are often attached to whatever version of faith and religion one subscribes to. My faith is an interesting topic and one I am not going to address here.  But based purely on SCIENCE, (which we all should be basing our decisions on in my humble opinion,) I am trusting in Einstein's law of energy conservation.  This article in Scientific American answers a big question: Is energy always conserved, even in the case of the expanding universe? Well you can read for yourself but the short answer is yes. From the article: 

"It turns out that in Einstein’s theory of general relativity, regions of space with positive energy actually push space outward. As space expands, it releases stored up gravitational potential energy, which converts into the intrinsic energy that fills the newly created volume. So even the expansion of the universe is controlled by the law of energy conservation."

(http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/energy-can-neither-be-created-nor-destroyed/)

The takeaway? Or at least MY takeaway? If it's good enough to explain the expansion of the universe, it's good enough for me and Willy. 

Visit me again, Willy. But just snuggle this time.

A Christmas Letter to Willy

Dear Willy,

It's almost Christmas. It was your favorite time of year. I have so many pictures of you sitting by the tree and lying under the tree just staring at the pretty lights.  I have pictures of you trying to roll into the nativity scene and the village we used to put under the tree. We used to joke that you were a big monster trying to damage the village and destroy the nativity as you rolled over on it!

I already wrote a blog post about the 11 amazing Christmases that we had you here with us.  As I was going through all the photos from each of the 11 Christmases, the memories were amazing.  We had some fabulous Christmases.  Grandma Juanita always did up a fantastic Christmas Eve.  She'd decorate everything so beautifully and we would snuggle under her tree and have such relaxing Christmas Eve's. Christmas Day we'd have Christmas at our own house.  Other grandparents and friends would stop over but we usually didn't go anywhere.  We had such fun spending those holiday days at home, snuggling, cozy, watching movies, and just being together.

We've all been trying to figure out how the holidays will work this year.  Dad and Trish have a new house and they've been busy moving in and making it a home.  It's big and beautiful and has a fireplace. You would have loved rolling by the fireplace. Ted and I are still in our old apartment. We're comfortable there so we will stay for now.  I don't think I'm ready to leave the place you were last. I still find syringes and other supplies here and there and when I do I always cry, then smile.

Grant and Gabby are doing okay. They miss you but are relieved you are okay now.  Gabby has a pen pal at the University of Michigan and they write letters back and forth. She wrote to her pen pal all about you. She told her pen pal you were "safe now."  Safe.  I hadn't thought of it that way.  I've been too sad to really think of how you might be now.  But I believe she is right. You are safe.  You are whole.  You have friends.  I know you are with Grandma Juanita and Grandpa DuWayne. That makes me happy.  I don't know how the afterlife works exactly but I know it's nice.  And pretty. And you are whole.  And you don't have any seizures. And you can breathe well.  And you are safe.

We did what we had to do, here on earth, to make it to the end goal which is to deliver you, safely, to the next plane.  Your stay here was shorter than we would have liked but we made our goal.  We took care of you and worked as a team to deliver you, safely, to the next plane. I'm trying to think of this all in positive terms, you know, find the good and all that.

Willy, I miss you more than I can even say. Most days I keep busy and that helps. But when I slow down, the nausea, the sad, the grief comes back. It's the price for loving you. It's worth every bit. If you see me crying, or your dad, or any of us, don't be sad. It's just part of our process.  We have good days and bad days but we are still all together, as a team, taking care of each other. Some day we will be back with you but it will be a while, okay?

We will come to visit your grave on Christmas Day. I know you really aren't there but I want to decorate it a bit and just say hi.

Merry Christmas, Willy. Your first Christmas in heaven. I can't even imagine how neat it must be!

We all love you so much.

Love,

Your momma and your family

Testing the Waters

I have a lot of thoughts in my head.  Some are really stupid like how did it come to be that someone thought to put soft sheets of a paper on a roll and hang it next to the toilet? See? Stupid. Thankfully, many of my thoughts aren't quite that inane.  I like to contemplate people and their futures.  I wonder things like why there is such a disparity between people's situations in my country.  I ponder things like heaven and hell.  I question everything.  When, why, where, and how are staples in my vocabulary.  Many times I drive people crazy by asking and subsequently forcing them to think about something they long since thought they had figured out.  I hurt for hurting people and wonder if there will ever be a way to fix them all.  My remedies are idealistic in nature and almost always impossible as "fixes" to any problems.  I am at that intersection in life where my idealism is turning to pragmatism and it has made me sad. Did you know that not everything can be solved by a group hug?  I know, right?

This blog will be an intersection where history, politics, social justice, religion, spirituality, responsibility, awareness, disabilities, and life in general meet.  Although I was raised with seriously-evangelical-extreme-conservatism type roots, I am happily recovered.  I'd like to think I am a moderate but truth is I hang more to the left these days. Except for extreme ideology, I enjoy debating back and forth.  I have a son with a terminal brain disorder who requires full-time care.  At 7 he has already outlived his life expectancy.  I do think he has changed me.  Not necessarily for the better; perhaps for the clearer. Things that are important are more clear now. Life is more clear.  Or is it?  Come along with me and let's try to make the world better one discussion at a time!