Dreams, Nightmares, and Transformation of Energy

I've had three dreams about Willy since he passed. I have very conflicted feelings about these dreams. On one hand, they've been so real that it's been nice to feel my lips on his fat little cheeks again.  You know, the kind of dream you never want to wake up from.

On the other hand, they've been nightmares.  Because I do eventually wake up.  These dreams have represented short, frenzied, and fraught versions of reliving his death all over again.  For a split second when I wake up everything is normal. Then I remember. Then the dream becomes a nightmare and the weirdest, most uncomfortable feeling sets in.

In two of the dreams nightmares, there were very significant neglect issues.  Somehow Willy needed something I wasn't getting to.  A feed, medicine, diaper....  There was this feeling that I "forgot" about him.  But then I fixed him up, and gave him a kiss and all was well again. One of the dreams was simply a good one where we were snuggling and he was cooing.

Last night I had the second of the nightmares. The only thing I really remember is that his teeth and face were crusty with drool. While there were many tasks related to Willy's care, keeping his teeth clean and his lips moisturized were two that were always on my radar.  His lips were always dry as sandpaper. He never closed his mouth and his entire mouth, lip, and teeth area were always a nightmare. I couldn't stand the thought that he was uncomfortable because he was dry.

In the more peaceful one where I was snuggling with him, I was sad when I woke up.  In the two that were more anxiety ridden, I was glad to wake up.  The thought that I had neglected him in some manner was almost worse to deal with than his death. I’m not looking for dream interpretation here. I know more will come and some will be happy and comforting and some will be full of anxiety and depression.  Like the dream where you show up in high school with no clothes on.  Dreams happen.  Good and bad.

The only thing I take from these dreams is the fact that I am connected to Willy on a different plane now.  He’s not here with me on our earthly plane. And sure, I have plenty of memories, pictures, and videos to remember him by.  But these dreams remind me of one of the basic laws of science – the Law of the Conservation of Energy.  To quote Albert Einstein, “Energy cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another.”  You know, like how a toaster turns electrical energy into thermal energy. I'm not trying to compare Willy to a toaster but I like examples of the ideas that run around in my brain and that was the first thing I came up with. 

Opinions on the afterlife are often attached to whatever version of faith and religion one subscribes to. My faith is an interesting topic and one I am not going to address here.  But based purely on SCIENCE, (which we all should be basing our decisions on in my humble opinion,) I am trusting in Einstein's law of energy conservation.  This article in Scientific American answers a big question: Is energy always conserved, even in the case of the expanding universe? Well you can read for yourself but the short answer is yes. From the article: 

"It turns out that in Einstein’s theory of general relativity, regions of space with positive energy actually push space outward. As space expands, it releases stored up gravitational potential energy, which converts into the intrinsic energy that fills the newly created volume. So even the expansion of the universe is controlled by the law of energy conservation."

(http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/energy-can-neither-be-created-nor-destroyed/)

The takeaway? Or at least MY takeaway? If it's good enough to explain the expansion of the universe, it's good enough for me and Willy. 

Visit me again, Willy. But just snuggle this time.