One Year

Tonight at 12:40 a.m. on November 5th we will reach the one-year mark. One year since Willy left this plane to go to the next. Someone asked me a few days ago if it seems like it's gone fast or slow. Surprisingly, I think it's gone fast. For a family grieving the loss of their son and brother we've given it all we've got. I know many will say it's just a date, however, I'm fixated on the terms of time because, in part, that's how my analytical brain works. I won't stop grieving because it's been one year. But to know we all made it through the first year is noteworthy.

As I reflect back on this past year, I realize I'm proud of us. Ever since Willy was diagnosed back in 2004 I wondered what life would look like after he passed. How would we come out? What shape would we be in? It was such an intense 11 years one had to wonder (and I did often) what type of person they'd be after experiencing a journey like this? 

But we've done okay.  Besides a move to Saline and two new houses, the kids both have new schools. They've done great. Grant has an incredibly difficult schedule and he's raking in mostly A's and an occasional B. Gabby's doing well and just finished Level 6 swim class. They've been on more trips in this past year than they were their entire lives. This summer between both families they kids swam, went tubing, went to water parks, baseball games, museums, picnics, Mackinac Island, Traverse City, Holland, and Grant even went on a missions trip with church to Indianapolis.  Grant also joined the cross country team at Saline High School and had a fantastic season.  Although we tried to do things like this when Willy was here with us it became increasingly difficult in recent years. 

We've even been able to have some time to ourselves.  We've all started to slowly get involved in things we weren't able to before. 

I'd go back to life with Willy in a heartbeat. Every late night, every fight with the insurance company, every seizure, every hospitalization, every sleepless night, everything. It was all unequivocally worth it. But Willy's mission here on Earth was over. He came for a time and undoubtedly made us better people. 

So how am I? I have days of intense sadness.  It comes and goes at strange and unexplainable times. There's no describing it. I used to try to stop it by keeping busy and no doubt there's always plenty to do. But now I just let it wash over me.  I embrace it and spend the time remembering Willy.  It snaps eventually and life goes back to the new normal. Even on good days I will never feel the same as I did before Willy passed.  

But I'm enjoying seeing how our lives are unfolding. It's rewarding to see the kids working to do things they couldn't as easily do before. We think about Willy. We talk about Willy. He's still here with us.  It's bittersweet knowing one of your children is gone but the other two are thriving. But it is what it is. We will continue to move forward; one step at a time. 

We are still Team Willy.