The Time In-Between

Willy passed away at 12:41 a.m. on 11/5/15.  His visitation started for family at 12:00 on 11/8/15.

It's the time in-between. 

I'm trying to capture those few days after Willy passed and before his funeral. It's so difficult.  It's this weird alternative dimension. "Hazy" is the word I like to use to describe it. You can kind of see, hear, and feel, what's going on but it's muted. It's muted and you're moving very, very slow. Feet stuck in mud, head clogged, voice diminished, thought processes on holiday break...

Picking up where the prior post left off finds us at home getting ready to let the funeral home take Willy away the night he passed.

The funeral home staff handled the transition beautifully. They waited patiently while we all said goodbye to Willy one last time.  After we said our last private goodbyes in the bedroom, the staff came in to prepare Willy to move. They were requested before-hand not to cover his head and they did not.   They tucked him cozily into the gurney and placed a paisley-patterned black blanket on him.  He looked asleep and incredibly peaceful.  As they were leaving the bedroom, Gabby draped herself from our bed onto the gurney for one big last hug. 

We all walked Willy out to the car together: his dad, his step-parents, his grandpa, his siblings, his grandpa’s fiancé, and me, his momma. We followed the gurney through the apartment into the most beautiful night. The skies were so clear, stars were shining and the air was crispy.  Again, the funeral home staff waited patiently while we all said one last goodbye to our beloved Willy before putting him into their vehicle.  With promises to call in the morning, they drove off with our Willy, leaving us standing on the curb. 

Our hospice workers stayed a minute, made sure there was nothing more we needed, and left us to grieve together. It was 4:30 in the morning and we were all exhausted but no one wanted to leave.  It was like if we didn’t move, it wasn’t true. If we just stayed there, time could be frozen forever. 

We knew that wasn’t really true and so after a little more discussion, everyone went their own ways with promises of getting together in the morning to talk about plans. Ted and I were then left alone with Grant and Gabby.  None of us could even think about sleeping right away. Neither kid wanted to be alone so we set up nests for them in our room and talked for a while. Eventually, around 7 a.m. we fell into fitful sleeps until the funeral home called promptly at 9:00.

We made an appointment for Todd, Trish, Ted, and I to come at 1:00 to plan the funeral.  

FUNERAL? WHAT FUNERAL? WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? 

Everything had been so hazy until then. Were we dreaming?  I felt like my feet were stuck in mud.  Somehow we started to get ready to go. It wasn't one of those appointments we could miss. My mind was racing.  What about Grant and Gabby? I couldn’t leave them alone while we went and planned their brother’s funeral. 

Willy and Bear

Luckily my friend Teresa was already in motion. She was on her way to the store to buy food and supplies and then come over.  She planned to man the house and do whatever was needed including taking care of the kids. T arrived and we tried to eat a little something before going to the funeral home.  Todd and Trish were going to bring Willy’s monkey and Ted and I were to bring Bear. Monkey and Bear were his people. His gang. When Todd and I were together, Willy always had Bear and Monkey; one on each side.  After we separated, Monkey went with Todd and Bear went with me.  He loved those critters dearly and would often pee on them just to prove it. (Accidentally of course.)

Willy and Monkey

So with Bear firmly in hand, Ted and I set off for the funeral home which was right down the road.  We met Todd and Trish in the foyer and went into the room to begin the plans. It was light-hearted at first – I think we were all exhausted and still shell-shocked.  Grief hadn’t set in yet. Todd and Trish had chosen a few pieces of clothing and I guess that was our first funeral decision.  We decided on a plaid short-sleeve shirt and an off-white Chaps vest.  Whew.  First decision over. Next?

The funeral director, Teresa, patiently guided us through all the decisions that needed to be made.  We talked about Willy’s life insurance, the flowers, the program, what we wanted, what we didn’t want, and we even managed to toss in a few jokes about the four of us. (It’s low-hanging fruit, really, and fodder too rich to walk away from sometimes.) 

After spending a few hours at the funeral home making what felt to be the strangest yet important yet necessary decisions, Ted and I went to Michael's in order to purchase supplies to make photo boards. Isn't this what you do for a funeral?  You make poster boards.  Just like the church ladies make those cheesy potatoes, the family makes up poster photo boards. As long as I had tasks to complete, I was okay.  So poster boards it was. 

One of EIGHT!

Another poster board. We had 8 total!

Pre-birthday dinner for Grant

Those days directly following Willy's passing seem so hazy.  We had people in and out.  Deliveries. Fruit baskets, Flowers. Cards. Donations. Well wishers. My friend Christine took Gabby to get her hair cut. I had to go buy a funeral dress. My friend Tracy came over Friday the 7th so Ted and I could take Grant to dinner for his birthday.  She brought dinner and made memory box crafts with Gabby.  Grant's birthday is November 9th and we planned to bury Willy that day.  We figured a night out with just the three of us before the funeral wasn't a bad idea and we had already had it planned. 

Somehow we made it up to the night before the funeral.  I felt ready. For the funeral. I wasn't ready for the death but I felt ready for the funeral. Can one ever be ready for the funeral of their child? Or of any loved one?  Even when they know it's coming someday?

No. Never. 

And we were about to find that out.