Today is my 46th birthday, otherwise known as the last of the Firsts. The first of every holiday since Willy passed. He passed on November 5th so I guess Halloween is still in there but I'm not really counting that. Halloween happens to fall in a bad spot, weather-wise, and Willy was usually sick for Halloween. He couldn't eat candy anyway so what was the point, really? I mean sure, some years we took him and then ate all his candy for him but who really needs that? Todd and I usually did a divide and conquer sort of thing. One goes with the other two kids trick-or-treating and the other stays with Willy. At least two years that I can remember, Willy was in the hospital on Halloween.
In addition, Willy was starting to get very sick on Halloween last year with the pneumonia that would six days later take his life.
So, meh. I'm counting my birthday as the last of the Firsts.
The Firsts were horrible. Every holiday after a loved one passes is torture. Your memories do crazy things to you. My birthday last year (2015) was the last time that Todd, Trish, Ted, Grant, Gabby, Willy and I were all together as a family of 7. Thank God for my incessant photo taking or we wouldn't have this photo to document our last time together.
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| The last time together as a family of 7 |
I'm trying to make nice with fall. Last night I put my fall wax scents my burners, turned on the little fireplace, had some tea, and tried to relax and enjoy. And I did to some extent but I was relieved when it was time for bed - not going to lie.
So back to my birthday.. I work out of two locations and on Monday the one location had a surprise birthday party for me with a breakfast. Today my co-workers and friends from the other location are going to lunch. I've received some awesome gifts. Tonight Ted is going to get Pizza Hut (my favorite pizza and a real treat because we don't have one close to our house), and then Todd and Trish are bringing cupcakes over. Tomorrow my dad and step-mom, Ted's mom and step-dad, the kids, Ted, and I are all going to a Japanese Hibachi restaurant in Novi. It's been a great birthday week thus far.
But there's always something missing. No matter if it's my birthday or a regular 'ole Tuesday. Grief has changed me. I've been reflecting a lot over the last almost year as the anniversary of Willy's passing is getting closer. It's been darker than I thought it would be. I don't know what I was thinking it would be like - I mean, my child died in my arms how easy could it be? I thought I would have been more prepared. We all know how that has gone.
But my birthday marks a significant time. I'm another year older. I've had another year on this earth and it's been a good year. Despite grief and maybe because of grief I've had some successes in other areas. There's so much to be thankful and grateful for.
But I made my 46th year without one of my children. It's just not the way life should be. There's something very out of order about a child passing before his parents. Most days I feel like I'm a train with one wheel off the track -- just slightly 'off'.
Most people don't talk to me about Willy anymore. I find this odd. We can talk about our children who are alive; their grades, their sports, their attitudes, everything. If we talk too much about our children who have passed then we are "living in the past." (Yes, I hear this often from people.) I don't know who made that rule up. The past, my memories, well, they are all I have of Willy. I'm going to keep talking about him because I do the same for my other two kids. And so do most parents.
Ted knows this bothers me. He simultaneously listens while I vent and asks me how I am and also says things like "Willy would have loved this!" I appreciate this about Ted.
This morning, Ted had to leave very early to go to work but after breakfast in bed, he left me a letter. Or course, he wrote it. I could spot his writing style a mile away but it was from Willy. He wanted to acknowledge that I was sad about another First and try to put into words what Willy might be thinking right now. I have no idea where Willy is. I have yet to determine how I think the afterlife looks like. But he's somewhere close. I'm fairly certain that the words in the letter are similar to what Willy is thinking and feeling right now. And it's the best birthday gift ever.
"Dear Mama,
Happy Birthday!
I know this is your first birthday without me in the house with you, and I know you will be sad. It's impossible to describe what things are like where I am, so I won't try to do that. Just know that I'm safe and happy.
I'm glad that life for you and the rest of the family is moving along. I like the new house and how cozy it seems. I'm proud of Grant and Gabby for diving into their new schools. And you're doing school too! That sounds like a lot of work, but I'm happy you're able to reach for a goal like you tried to get me to reach for a toy.
I miss your snuggles and the sound of your voice. I know you wanted me to be safe and happy and comfortable and you - and everyone else - did a great job. I miss Dad and Trish, and Grant and Gabby, and Ted. I even miss the dog! - I noticed she was there for a while. The voices and touches and gentle care all meant a lot to me. I knew I was loved and I know it took a lot from everyone to make sure I was taken care of.
I want you to know that I am with you. I want you to see me in the first light of sunrise, and in the fading colors of twilight. I want you to feel me in the crisp autumn and the crunch of leaves under your feet. I want you to remember me in the warmth of sunlight on your cheek or the freshness of newly fallen snow.
I also want you to remember me in the bitter cold of a fall rain or the hard bite of a winter wind. I want you to hear me in the noise of traffic and the din of a crowded room. I want you to feel me in the pain of a stubbed toe or the disappointment of failure, because those things are part of life too, and it is life that I want you to celebrate as you remember me.
I don't want you to worry that you're not remembering me in just the right way because I k now you will never forget and that's all that matters.
Life is hard, Mama, and it doesn't always seem beautiful but it is. That's something I knew better than most and something I hope I was able to teach you.
I love you, Mama, and I am always with you.
Willy"
